I know that there is no such thing as a perfect person, but I have never stopped trying to be perfect. Usually, I handle my perfectionism with a lot of humility and minor [insane] freakouts, but some days I cling to the concept of original sin and the flawed nature of humanity as my only float in the sea of self-incrimination.
Today is one of those days.
This is a very strange period of my life, these three weeks of empty. For the last five years I have been going non-stop, handling catastrophe after catastrophe, and always searching for the next step. After each semester, an internship for the next semester, job interviews for the summer, or preparatory reading for the next round of classes was awaiting. Adding in a few days of traveling home to see family, and I scarcely had a free day in my life. When I did have a free day, I generally hid myself away in my apartment watching TV from the past decade on Netflix and avoiding the stress of what I should have been doing on those days.
This is not like that. This is three weeks (just under two weeks, now) where I honestly am just waiting. Waiting for my next big step, waiting for September. I don’t like it. I want to prepare. I want to do my homework and read about everything imaginable and be ready. I want three weeks of clothing picked out, ironed, and ready to go. But that is crazy. Maybe I could fill two days up with getting my metro schedule and handling my What IS business casual? conundrum, but seriously, two weeks? No way.
So I’m in this weird twilight zone where I have a hundred things on my mind and nothing to do with my hands to fill the void.
Lately, I’ve been organizing the linen closet, moving the bedroom furniture, and pretty much just making H insane. I don’t know what to do to be perfect today. I have no idea how to live this day better, or what I can improve about myself – that is, other than to just calm down and enjoy free moments while I can.
And that is probably the hardest thing for me to do.
update: watching the second season of Glee with H, barbecue-flavored PopChips!, and rice krispy treats. 🙂