Today I had plans to get a huge chunk of tax out of the way. I printed out all of my tax notes. I printed out the syllabus, the class problems, and a pre-made outline.
Then, I did something huge — I went out to the car to get my tax books. I know, I know, walking fifteen steps shouldn’t be that big of a deal, but somehow the fact that my tax books were outside, and not inside, prevented me from doing any tax work all day yesterday! So going outside was kind of a big deal.
However, I realized that I could only review about one class without hitting a section I didn’t read well. And at that point, I was distracted. I needed lunch, had to plan my bus route to the KD Happy Hour tonight, etc. I was able to stay half-way-focused for only about twenty minutes before falling off the tax block.
I really wanted to be awesome this week. I have so many goals and plans — but so far, I’m falling into my usual big plans and small results free time. When someone else is depending on me, I can make anything happen. I can move mountains; I can edit dozens of pages of documents in an hour. But for some reason, when the goal is only personal happiness or betterment, I’m not moving forward. Does this mean that I don’t really want to accomplish these goals, or does it mean that I don’t really believe I can do these things? What is it, I wonder, that makes my own internal goals so difficult to achieve when I can do so much for the goals of others?