After taking the bar exam in July, I put it out of my mind. I haven’t been fretting about whether or not I passed, or really even thinking about it at all. When people ask, I just say that you never know, and I’d rather be pleasantly surprised than disappointed so I’m not worrying about what I can’t control. But, I still worry. I think everyone worries. As I see my friends pass their bars (CONGRATULATIONS EVERYONE!!!) I worry that I might be the only one who is “left behind.”
To be honest, before this week I was more concerned about my personal recommendations all getting in and being a-o-kay than I was about my test scores. I have a weird calm in testing situations: I walk into the room, do what I do, and then leave without giving it a second thought. You can’t go back in time — you can’t study more or change your answers after the test is over — so why worry?
But, I finished my character assessment as of Tuesday this week [THANK YOU TO ALL OF MY RECOMMENDERS WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE FOLLOWING MY BLOG!] and now I’m just waiting for another month or so for results. I still don’t really worry about it, since my awesome federal policy job will not be affected by my bar status in the short-term. But, my potential OGC rotation will change, as will my ability to feel awesome about myself, at least for a month or two. I mean, some pretty fantastic people have had to re-take the bar exam in their respective states, but here’s the thing about that: they weren’t really that awesome at the time they failed the bar. Instead, they were awesome later on in life, after they recovered from the embarrassment and unpleasantness of failure and usually on the dime of their super rich preppy families. So, having the potential to be awesome in the future really won’t lessen the impact of not being awesome in the moment, will it? No, not at all.
And also, I am not a Kennedy. My parents do not have a home in Cape Cod where I can hole up and study over the holidays.
And still, I honestly feel pretty confident about my exam answers [except for this one problem that is still driving me crazy if I let myself think about it]. I just feel guilty about feeling confident, and then tell myself that if I feel confident and then fail it will be worse than if I am nervous and insecure and fail. Perhaps my biggest fear is being overly confident? Either way, I’m unsure about how to handle unknowns. So I just ignore it. I don’t even remember what day the results are going to be posted, although I’m pretty sure the State of Maryland will send me multiple emails with ALL CAPS SUBJECT LINES so I think that something has gone terribly wrong to remind me of the upcoming dooms-day.
This week I had a dream where I passed the bar, but only by five points, and that it made me really sad. But I was dreaming and not being all that logical, so I probably missed the part where passing by one point is the same as passing by a million points. So, America, let’s keep our fingers crossed.