I feel blah.
This is going to be like one of those weirdo word poems where people choose one line and then repeat it intermittently amongst the other lines to make some kind of point. Only I’m not really a poet so please don’t expect too much from me here. And it’s going to be really long because my brain works in paragraphs, not phrases, so I never really understood poems anyway. So just imagine this entire paragraph is like five words and has no capitalization a la e.e. cummings.
I’m in a weird patch at work, and by “weird” I mean a no-assignments-left, boss-on-longterm-sick-leave, three-weeks-’til-a-new-job-so-no-time-for-new-projects patch where I spend my entire day reading news blogs, chatting with co-workers, googling things like “housing” or “Rick Santorum” (haha) or discovering that my Facebook messages are no longer posting to my phone (sorry about that delay suzy). As you probably ascertained from that sentence, not a lot of what I’m doing these days is providing housing to the neediest among the American public.
So all day, sitting in my cute little cubby with not much to do, I feel blah.
Having discovered how insane it makes me to do nothing, my stand-in boss today [my real boss has been out for about a month already and isn’t coming back until at least next week because of a workplace accident] gave me a menial task where I send an email to twenty people with a document attached and ask them to send me their comments. AND IT WAS AWESOME, for about four minutes. (Yes, I totally made that moment last four minutes. Don’t judge.) But when it was over, I think I felt even more blah. And I knew that reading that document and checking it for policy issues would take me about an hour — since it was 16 pages and had some citations I’d want to look up to be doubly sure that it was good to go — I only allowed myself to read two pages and then saved the rest for tomorrow. Because, seriously, those 14 remaining pages are going to be my hump day saving grace. And when reading 14 technical pages about how to conduct annual reviews of something that was already boring enough when it was being done the first time is the highlight of your day and something you have to build up momentum for, you know that your life is BLAH.
But it’s kind of nice focusing on my real life instead of my work life. I’ve come home both days this week and really been at home. I made dinner both nights for H and baked a carrot cake cheesecake (mini-disaster on the inside but still DELICIOUS) and did the dishes and am writing this blog and researching CRIPA. So I guess the most blah thing about this experience is that I really do need some kind of productivity to feel good about my day,
And I’m not so sure that it’s actually work that is getting me down. I think it’s more indecision. I’m about to start a new job and I’m excited (but nervous — what if I can’t remember how to be a “serious” lawyer after all of this policy work the last six months!!) and what if I want to stay there but they can’t afford me and then I go back to my real job and they’ve frozen my salary and I can’t get the promotions that are part of my package and then H and I NEVER get out of this tiny apartment with no closet space? So yeah, maybe that’s what’s up. But either way,
[That was a little punctuation shake-up a la Emily weirdo Dickinson. You are welcome.]