Here’s the thing. I don’t really believe the Bible is inerrant the way a lot of people do. And I know that writing that down and publishing it on the internet means some people who share my faith tradition will lose respect for me, but I need to start there. I think that reading the Bible brings me closer to God, and helps me to know him better — but reading the Bible also reminds me of the ways people have [mis-]used Scripture to silence me and to silence my brothers and sisters on this planet.
It’s a complicated relationship, for sure. I want it to be less complicated. I want Scripture to bring only joy and not pain, but that just isn’t where I am right now. I haven’t been there for a few years, actually. Life is a journey, and I do not believe we are called to check all the boxes while shutting down our brains. Faith shouldn’t have to be a mental power struggle, where we refuse to acknowledge our thoughts and feelings and confusions and doubts and scream out an unthinking “YES” to all the things they say we have to believe. For me, right now, it’s an ongoing effort to seek God’s love and pursue relationship. To follow Jesus. To find the arc of redemption moving in our world and to follow it, and to hope for the redemption that we believe will come. So, while I’m often frustrated or unsure about where I stand with the Bible, I trust that if I am seeking God and trying to follow Jesus, that one day I’ll be in a better place with the Bible too.
I still think I’m a Christian.
I don’t want to give you the impression that I spend every minute of every day seeking God and trying to reconcile with the Scriptures. Because I don’t. Reconciliation with Scripture and communities of faith is something I think about often and hope for. Scripture and faith communities are intrinsically linked to my childhood and my understanding of the world. But I’m not necessarily doing that full-time right now. I think about a lot of other things too.
I still think I’m a Christian.
The internet makes it harder. I read blog posts and articles and comments saying that if you interpret differently the meaning or application of one or two sentences of a certain translation of the Bible, you are throwing out the entire gospel narrative and you can’t be a Christian anymore. And I’m stunned because, holy cow, I wish it was only one or two sentences that I didn’t interpret literally. I wish it were that simple.
This week, with all of the World Vision USA hullabaloo, I read your words, and I felt even more that I didn’t belong. Here I am: I grew up in your world, I followed all your rules, I learned all of your Bible verses, I went to your camps and I graduated from your college, and I don’t belong. I still think I’m a Christian, but if I told you the truth, would you agree? Would you say that it’s okay to be different, to not understand the world in the same way as everyone else, that God is bigger than our doubts and our questions? I’ve heard that before.
But I wonder sometimes — is God only bigger than my doubts and questions because I am a straight, white, married female?
I want to hear you say that the world is full of nuance. I want to hear you say that we can all work with people, live in community with people, shop at grocery stores with people and bake cakes for people who believe different things than we do. I want to hear you say that you don’t believe everyone who thinks differently than you about the world, or religion, or the Bible deserves to live in constant fear of poverty because they cannot find or keep employment. I want to hear you say that each of us finds God and faith on a different timeline, and that it isn’t up to us to save people. That we pray and wait for the Holy Spirit to move within us and our neighbors, and that we love each other while we wait.
Instead, I’ve been hearing you say that a Christian organization that decides to stop excluding certain groups of people from its hiring pool has thrown away the Gospel. The entire Gospel. Now that they’ve changed their minds, I’m hearing you rejoice, slapping hands and taking credit for standing your ground. For the Gospel. And I wonder, what would you say about me, if you knew my doubts and struggles?
Well, now you know.
I’ve been using up all of my good thoughts in other places these last few weeks, and I haven’t been giving you my best work. I think you know that, in my actual life, I do a lot more than just write this blog. I’ve told you how my job can be really hard, and that it’s been a challenging few weeks, and that I really love my work. I also mentioned last week that I’m working on a writing project outside of this blog. I love this space, and I want to treat it right, so today I have something special for you.
It’s a photograph of an Elk, taken on Saturday.
I was going to find a good poem about an elk for you to make this super literary or what-not and, what do you know, the only poem I could find was about a bunch of wolves stalking and then murdering an elk. Not exactly what I was going for.
Instead, I have something better than a poem about elk for you. I have an article about a little boy who loves My Little Pony, and a school district that learned [unfortunately a bit too late in this case] not to punish the victim. You’re a bit of a slow learner sometimes, America, but I’m forever proud of you when you try to do better.
Happy Monday, my friends. Have a wonderful week!
As I’m typing this post, it’s the middle of the twenty-fifth day of my 5o-Day commitment to thinking of myself as a writer. This won’t go live and you won’t be able to read it until sometime Monday morning, which is technically past the half-way point of this journey and eight hours into Day 26. Let’s agree to ignore the actual math involved in defining the “middle” of a journey the way we agree to accept that television chefs always have perfectly baked final products ready to pull out of the oven and taste at the end of their thirty-minute episodes. The middle of a journey is really whenever you end up stopping for lunch, isn’t it?
I’ve learned a few things about myself, written words and paragraphs in my journal and on my computer, and wasted a lot of time during these first 25 days. I’ve been focused on my writing but also completely absorbed in my actual job, which is keeping me so incredibly busy during these early spring-ish months. My brain is buzzing with stress and deadlines and ideas, and that seems like the perfect mix to me.
- I tried a few coffee shops/writing locations near my apartment in Chicago and have adopted a location three blocks away. There are outlets everywhere, the espresso drinks are delicious, and the coffee shop is operated by some church so I feel better spending $5.00 on something I could make for myself at home. I’m here now, and a poster from an event at the Ryman Auditorium is hanging on the wall that faces my table. I’m sitting in the sun, looking at the words “Nashville Tennessee” and drinking a latte with chocolate, hazelnut, and cayenne pepper. I can’t think of a better way to nurture my creative insides.
- During a ten-day bootcamp with my writing group, I chose a topic for my writing project (even if I’m not quite ready to call it a book), told my writing group what my topic was, and felt the soothing coolness of positive feedback and acceptance calm my nerves. I also mustered the courage to reach out to a few friends about my
sillydream, so I’ve taken the first few steps toward using the “w”-word [writer] with my real-life friends and family.
- I have 4,000 words, notes, and research in a highly rough and scattered word document that has the headings and pagination of a non-fiction book proposal. It’s not actually a book proposal today, but I’m using that structure to sketch out my project. Working in this format is oddly comforting, because it is exactly what real writers do for every book they write. I’ve found the language of the world I’m walking in, and I’m ready now to meet people without feeling like a fraud: I can spend the next five years saying that I’m “working on a book proposal” before anyone that doesn’t know me well might become suspicious. It’s completely normal for that process to take forever and for “real” writers to get distracted for months, discouraged for years, or otherwise lose focus for a long while before getting a final proposal together. I know how to introduce myself and vaguely describe my project, so I’m ready to rent a car and drive to Grand Rapids and meet other writerly people. That goal is officially accomplished.
- My friend Abby has scheduled a public event at the end of the conference in Grand Rapids where my writing group will take turns reading our work out loud. To strangers (and worse, to our friends). While the pre-#50days me would say oh, no, I’m not really a writer and so I will just cheer the rest of you on, the me that is 25 days into being a real writer has [unfortunately] accepted the challenge and promised to find something, anything really, to read. I’m much more driven by external expectations of those I love than my own secret dreams, so I think this is actually the perfect thing to push me during the second-half of this journey: I have an idea and some draft-quality words, but now I need a chapter-ish length piece that is good enough to share, along with a gallon of confidence and a cute new outfit. In the next three weeks I need to finish a draft piece so I can edit it, and then prepare to present it with/to my people.
This effort hasn’t been on my mind every minute, and for the last few days at work my brain has been swimming in deadlines and spreadsheets and official communication materials, but I’m here on Sunday afternoon, as scheduled, thinking about this project. I’m thrilled with how far I’ve come in these first three and one-half weeks and am proud to share with you that I am working on a book/something proposal and preparing a mystery piece to read at my first ever reading as a [writer]. Nothing really has changed just yet, but I am starting to believe my own truth.
Thanks for joining me on this adventure.
Oh, and Happy St. Patrick’s Day, Lucky Family! AOT
This weekend, on International Women’s Day, my writing group held a link-up where fifty-plus women looked back on their childhoods, their first memories, their earliest dreams and called out to their old selves. It’s really beautiful. I wanted to join in, but it just was a little too much for me.
To be honest, my writing group is often a little much for me. Too many feelings and so much pain. A virtual room full of beautiful, tragic, sometimes funny redemption stories. I love it, and it helps me grow, but every now and then I’m just not sure what to do with the whole thing. I don’t like to clap in church, I don’t really love parties, sometimes too many people with too many feelings all talking at once makes me get clammy and my mouth has too many words all running into it at once but I somehow don’t have anything to say. I try to keep up, to say something so I’m not just standing silently in the crowd, but those words feel false. My people deserve better.
So I’m going to just tell it to you straight – that’s the kind of writing I do anyway. I don’t have a sad story to share. I honestly like myself now way more than I ever did as a kid. My parents worked really hard to encourage me to do just about anything I wanted to while the rest of the world pushed in the other direction. I spent too many years ignoring my parents and covering up everything awesome about myself to fit in. The thing about having musicians or artists or science fiction fans for parents is that they really love it when their kids are super weird. I just wanted to be normal.
So I only raised my hand when no one else knew the answer, and I hid myself in books so I wouldn’t have to deal with how hard it was to make friends when everyone was talking about how hard those math problems were. In college I stopped reading for class altogether to cope because when I got too invested in my courses I talked too much, participated too ferociously, and couldn’t pull off small talk about how “hard” or “boring” such-and-such was. I poured my enthusiasm for learning and leading into my sorority instead of my studies because even my professors would quietly remind me that if I spoke up too often, no one else would try.
Now that I’m not the little girl I once was, I know that this world doesn’t need anyone to pretend to be less smart or less passionate than they actually are. While my writing group has shared poetry and photography and beautiful memories on International Women’s Day 2014, I have one sentence to reclaim only two days too late: Being weird is awesome. It’s totally okay to enjoy reading a book more than small talk. It’s really quite fine to hate playing softball. Women who are serious, who are better at leading a meeting or planning an event than wearing four-inch heels and giggling, they aren’t boring — they’re going to change this world.
Please join me in saluting the beautiful women of my writing group, whose words are available for you over at THE GIRLS WE ONCE WERE link-up. I know you’ll be just as impressed as I am.
Last Thursday I started on a personal journey, if you want to call it that. I committed to think of myself as a writer and to act as if I believed that I was a writer for fifty days, so that when those fifty days are over I can comfortably wear the label. It’s the fifth day of this adventure, and it doesn’t feel very natural yet.
I asked you for tips, tricks, or suggestions for feeling more writerly. I thought you would tell me to wear a tweed vest or smoke a pipe or drink whiskey in the evenings; to enter into fights on twitter [you know who you are, bloggers of America]; to light a candle and read the New York Times with my coffee each morning. You didn’t. Instead, you all said the same thing: to be a “real” writer, just stop talking about it and get it done. Sit your butt down and write. There were variations in responses, of course, but only in levels of frankness on this common theme.
It seemed unhelpful and obvious to me at first, but already I’ve realized how valuable this advice really is. After five days of intentionally thinking about, talking about, stressing about, or considering the writing life, I’m not actually spending very many minutes putting words on the page. I’ve only written a few hundred words, I still haven’t chosen a project for this period, and I haven’t received any supernatural inspiration. Yet.
According to my research [casually googling variations of “what writers do” over the last week], this is pretty normal. J. Robert Lennon for the L.A. Times (2009) reported that real writers spend around 2% of their lives actually writing words. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t being writers the other 98% of the time. They are just living: thinking and working through the social interactions and complex critical thinking skills that eventually become the building blocks of what they create. Writing requires living.
I wish there were some magic formula for being
comfortable in your own skin a writer, but it turns out that the cape and tights won’t feel right until you pull them on, tuck your feet into those bright red boots, run outside and save someone. Otherwise, you are just sitting around wearing spandex. As a thinker, an analyzer, a “but what about this?” problem solver, getting started isn’t how I like to begin. I want to be ready: to gather together all of my tools and complete all of my training and calendar the milestones and targets before typing that first word. This isn’t going to work like that, but that’s okay. I can take my time and do this however I want to, so long as I’m doing it.
If you’re on a similar journey of finding your voice and style as a writer, or if you just want to watch me fumble around as I do this weird thing I’m doing, I’m using instagram and twitter to catalogue my random writing activities, with the hashtag #50daysawriter. (Is that redundant? Did I just write hashtag twice there? I’m still learning twitter grammar.) It’s mostly awkward so far but kind of fun too.
It’s a little embarrassing how many times I’ve written this to you, how many ways I’ve slid references to my giant failure complex into blog posts without really addressing it. I’ve made bold claims that I’m going to stop thinking of myself as a failure and start loving the life I’m currently living in a dozen half-hearted ways, but so far I’m still just rocking back and forth on life’s teeter totter: At the top, I am so ridiculously relieved that I am working (because others I love aren’t) and that I have a healthy work-life balance and that my job is mostly fun and engaging, but when the see-saw rocks downward I remember that I thought I would be doing something different.
The “L” word still makes me feel like a loser.
I know in my heart that I am where I need to be, but I have to remind myself all the time that this life I’m living is something to celebrate, not something to mourn. Sometimes I have to say it to friends and have them say it back to me, to tell me it’s okay. I know that I’m not the only one, but I often feel alone with this. I fold this idea into so much of my blogging because, while this blog is many things to me and hopefully a few things to you, its chief purpose right now is to remind me that life is beautiful and fun and it’s okay to just be who
you are I am right now.
I loved law school. I’m not one to say “Oh, it was so hard and I’m so glad it is over,” and I’ve never regretted attending. It was one of the best things I’ve ever committed to doing. It made me smarter and more attentive and a better person. Even now, while I’m not practicing, I still did all of the things to be a licensed attorney and I can go back to being a “real” lawyer whenever I want to, if I ever really want to.
I’m getting tired of trying so hard to convince myself that I am awesome and that I am making a real difference by working hard for my country. I am already doing these things and it’s become a bit of a broken record for me (and I’m sure not all that interesting for you, my friends). I’d like for this to become a non-issue for me, but it may be a few more months or years before I can really settle into owning my own life and living it for myself. I struggle to surpass expectations that don’t actually exist.
But I think for recovering people-pleasers and perfectionists like me, we often feel like posers in our late twenties. We’re wearing the hats and carrying big titles on freshly minted business cards but are we really good enough to hold this much responsibility? Friends from school are carrying the lives and hopes and dreams of two, or three, or four children already and I can’t imagine ever being qualified for such a hard and important job. Do you ever really feel like you know how to be a mother, a manager, a professor or scholar, or do you just jump in, throwing ideas at the wall, hoping something sticks? I’m always afraid that someone will look over and see that I’m really not as awesome as everyone thinks. I wonder, if they knew how much television I watched in the evenings, and how rarely I finish the books I’m always buying, if they would still want me to mentor their students, or file their taxes, or write their reports.
I paid real cash monies to register for a faith and writing conference in Grand Rapids in April. And I’ve decided that I don’t want to go to this conference feeling that I’m not qualified to be there. I don’t want to awkwardly shift on my feet or avoid meeting interesting people because when they say “Oh, I write a blog about faith and life and my book is being published in October,” and then ask about me, I don’t have a good enough answer. I want to do whatever it takes before I pick up my rental car and drive two hours and forty-seven minutes around the bottom of Lake Michigan so that, when I step out of my car and into the conference, I believe I am a “real” writer and I believe that I am qualified to engage, network, discuss, and struggle with them to create beautiful sentences.
Tomorrow, Thursday, February 20, is the first of fifty days before my conference begins. This may be a rough-and-tumble sort of commitment, but I’ll be doing “the things that writers do” for each of these fifty days so that I can step into the Grand Rapids community with a few pages I can be proud of, with a project I can discuss, or at the very least with the confidence that I certainly belong at the table. I’m not sure exactly what this will look like, but I’m starting this effort off with a Story Sessions writing boot camp and I’ve been thinking a bit about what I want this to journey to include. I have a working list, but before I put it out into the internet world I wanted to hear from you: what do you recommend? What makes you feel like a “real” writer, or a “real” professional, or a “real” mom, instead of just a poser? What gives you confidence in your calling?
I told you on Monday about my big Chinese New Year haircut, and how good it felt to start fresh again. You can understand why my first New Year did not have a triumphant feeling if you saw my January calendar.
Last month I wrote about adding sparkle to my daily life and ATTACKing 2014, but that was pretty hard to implement while battling winter weather and a weak immune system! That’s hopefully all changing now.
As promised, here’s a snapshot of my new ‘do. I took my sweet time sharing because my skin has been so horrifyingly terrible since I started getting sick and I just didn’t want to share that part of my month with you!
I gave up and ordered the new proactiv+ and so far it has helped a lot. It’s a lot more moisturizing than the original formula. I’m one week in and my skin has responded well. If that’s something you struggle with too, it might be worth giving it a shot.
Happy weekend, y’all.